Stuff you should read

The Bill Maher Anti-Terrorism soloution!

Posted on Friday 31 December 2004

I always liked Bill Maher and i used to watch his show every friday on HBo back when i used to live in Beantown. He once came up with what i thought was a brilliant soloution to stop terrorism in the “New Rules” segment in this episode, and i decided to share it with y’all!

Here it is:

If we really want to stop terrorism, we have to get Muslim men laid. Five British Muslims who were recently sent home from our prison at Guantanamo, charge that their American captors brought in prostitutes to taunt them, because most had never even seen a naked woman before.
And it made me wonder how many members of Al Qaeda have even dated a girl? We should hire women to infiltrate Al Qaeda cells and fuck them. Things would change quickly because young Muslim men don’t really hate America. They’re jealous of America. We have rap videos and the Hilton sisters and magazines with titles like Barely Legal. You know what’s “barely legal” in Afghanistan? Everything!

Young men need sex, and if they don’t get it for month and after month after month, they wind up cursing the day they ever decided to go to Cornell.

Have you ever wondered why the word from the Arab street is always so angry? It’s because it’s a bunch of guys standing in the street! Which is what guys do when they don’t have girlfriends, when they’re not allowed to even talk to a girl. Of course they want to commit suicide! Unlike this country where it’s the married guys who want to kill themselves.

But here we always have hope. You can at least talk to a girl. And one might be crazy enough to go for you. Or you could get rich and buy one, like people do in Beverly Hills. But the connection between no sex and anger is real. It’s why prizefighters stay celibate when they’re in training, so that on fight night, they’re pissed off and ready to kill.

It’s why football players don’t have sex after Wednesday. And conversely, it’s why Bill Clinton never started a war.

And so, to paraphrase the sign in Mr. Clinton’s old war room, “It’s the pussy, stupid.”

We need the Coalition of the Willing to be really willing! We need to mobilize two divisions of skanks, a regiment of hoe’s, and a brigade of girls who just can’t say no. All under the command of Col. Ann Coulter , who will be dressed in her “Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS” uniform.

Forget the Peace Corps. We need a “Piece of Ass Corps”! Girls, there’s a cure to terrorism, and you’re sitting on it!

I know i am for it! :)

Ohh yeah, and since i am here and this is my last post for today, i wish you all a happy new year!

See ya next year!

The Sandmonkey @ 7:17 am
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Islamic Jihad Army speech? and a video? YES ! A Twofer!

Posted on Friday 31 December 2004

This video and speech were made by – and i am not making this up, that’s what they call themselves-”The media platoon of the Islamic Jihad Army”. The media platoon. They must have some really brave soldiers there, u know, to pose infront of a camerea with guns wearing a mask. Inspirational. Really!

And their speech, wow, I am still sweating from how excited it made me I almost creamed my pantie..shorts. ehh, never mind me. Here is the transcript and my comments are in blue:

People of the world! These words come to you from those who up to the day of the invasion were struggling to survive under the sanctions imposed by the criminal regimes of the U.S. and Britain .
As opposed to the righteous regime of the democratically elected dove that was Saddam Hussein!

We are simple people who chose principles over fear.
Such as slitting the throats of helpless hostages. You got some principles guy, let me tell ya!

We have suffered crimes and sanctions, which we consider the true weapons of mass destruction.

Hmm. ok. I guess some of us don’t live in the same reality?

Years and years of agony and despair, while the condemned UN traded with our oil revenues in the name of world stability and peace.
Because your leader was a crazy dictator, which the american and british troops removed and you didn’t. What is this, a blame-a-thon?

Over two million innocents died waiting for a light at the end of a tunnel that only ended with the occupation of our country and the theft of our resources.
Yeah, and you still did not move your ass to help yourself back then. The west waited for you to take the initiative for like a decade. you had 2 million reasons to fight Saddam and now you fight those who took him out?

After the crimes of the administrations of the U.S and Britain in Iraq , we have chosen our future. The future of every resistance struggle ever in the history of man.

Riight , a future. Yeah, you didn’t really have one under Saddam either!

It is our duty, as well as our right, to fight back the occupying forces, which their nations will be held morally and economically responsible; for what their elected governments have destroyed and stolen from our land.

The elected governments are to blame then. See? Democracy is bad. Bad bad democracy!

We have not crossed the oceans and seas to occupy Britain or the U.S. nor are we responsible for 9/11. These are only a few of the lies that these criminals present to cover their true plans for the control of the energy resources of the world, in face of a growing China and a strong unified Europe . It is Ironic that the Iraqi’s are to bear the full face of this large and growing conflict on behalf of the rest of this sleeping world.

Ok, i am confused. So this whole thing, was because the USA is afraid of a “Unified” Europe? A “Unified” europe? Ohh yeah, France and Germany, they make uncle Sam shake in his boots. And i Guess Britian isn’t a part of Europe anymore, huh? I did not know that. Did anyone else know that? Did i miss a memo?

We thank all those, including those of Britain and the U.S. , who took to the streets in protest against this war and against Globalism. We also thank France , Germany and other states for their position, which least to say are considered wise and balanced, til now.
Did anyone notice the subtle threat in the “till now”? Better stay wise and balanced Germany, you know France is hopeless.

Today, we call on you again.
Ohh yay!

We do not require arms or fighters, for we have plenty.
Yeah, we weren’t really offering.

We ask you to form a world wide front against war and sanctions. A front that is governed by the wise and knowing. A front that will bring reform and order. New institutions that would replace the now corrupt.

The wise and knowing? Reform and order? Is he really talking about reform and order? I thought you blew up people and are trying to stop democratic elections. I am so confused!

Stop using the U.S. dollar, use the Euro or a basket of currencies. Reduce or halt your consumption of British and U.S. products. Put an end to Zionism before it ends the world. Educate those in doubt of the true nature of this conflict and do not believe their media for their casualties are far higher than they admit.

Ok, now i am bored with this. I am leaving the rest of that transcript without comments. This is just.. a serious waste of my time. I am not gonna…wait no… done talking about it!

You, the reader , on the other hand can read it and leave your own comments if you like. I gotta say though, i love that british accent in the video. It really delivers the message against the americans and especially the british. Ya Know?

The Sandmonkey @ 6:30 am
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A Q& A session Sandmonkey style!

Posted on Friday 31 December 2004

Hello everyone,

First of all, thanks for all the kind words that i have been getting at the comments section. Me mucho appreciates the support and i hope to be able to continue keeping this blog entertaining no matter how much the Bossman will yell at me for handing in my work late. Although I must say that i am kinda disappointed; where are the hate comments? What, no “Uncle Tom” or “SELL-OUT” remarks? No questions about how much the JEWS are paying me to write those posts? No “You are a disgrace to Egyptians” or ” You are the reason why Bush won, you goddamn Bushlover”? Me is very disappointed. Although, “Bushlover”, well, that’s a nice mental image right there, altough it doesn’t go well with having a “Mandate”!

(ehh, sorry about the humor, just woke up! Anyway)

There seems to be a lot of questions directed towards me at the comments section. Since i don’t have the e-mails of those posters, and since I just woke up with a massive hangover and have no idea what to write about, i decided to respond to some of those questions here. Hope you don’t mind!

Lets start with Mike SC USA , who asked three important questions:

Are there more of you out there?

More of what? People like me? Not likely! I am special ; and i know that cause my mommy said so. Or do u mean like Pro Us arabiacs? Hmm, I personally know like 3, and GM I guess makes 4. I would say that’s a positive indication. There is probably more out there, but they are probably hiding it. It’s not a very popular stand to take around here!

Maybe you can enlighten us on why Middle Easterners seemingly live for conspiracy theories?

Well, Mike, you see, they all live in police-states under dictatorships, where most of the newspaper are state-owned and censored. Arabs therefore got used to the idea that governments are full of shit and that they never really tell you the truth. That , combined with feelings of persecution, boredom and over-active imagination , sends most of them into the conspiracy theory zone. And once you are in that zone, well, you start seeing them conspiracies everywhere. Like, for example, why is white rice called just plain rice, yet brown rice is called “Wild “rice? Or why is the catchphrase for Frosted Flakes “They are greeeeeeat” and yet you “go coco” for Coco Puffs? And, while we are at it, why does the Coco Puffs box have a monkey character on it? As you can see, this is just the way the white man subliminally control the borwn people of the world, you know, telling them that they are “wild coco brown monkeys”, while emphasizing that Anything white is “GREAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT”.

And you were in Boston on 9/11?

Actually, and this is a true story, i was in Cairo at the time. It was the 2 weeks break between the summer and Fall semesters, and i had went home with the plan to go back on the Egypt-air September 10th flight heading to JFK in new York. Since my classes did not start till the 17th, i decided last minute to reschedule and stay till the 14th! And then, you know, 911 happened. And all the airports got closed and all international flights cancelled for like a week, and i didn’t end up being able to get back to Boston till like the 23rd.

Hope i answered all your questions Mike!

Now, for some Anonymous questions:

How did you spend 5 years in Massachusetts and retain your sanity?

Beer helped!

Don’t you know that the election was stolen by the evil Neocons and their Jewish overlords?

Yeah. Whats your point?

What kind of Arab are you?

I dunno. The pretty kind?

Well, that’s it for now. Hope that was informative!

Ohh and Kender, you can find the “Naughty Nuns” calendar right here! It actually exists!

The Sandmonkey @ 4:21 am
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This is very disturbing!

Posted on Thursday 30 December 2004

This is not a parody. This is actually true, and it is sold through the Vatican and vatican stores.

Ladies and gentlemen, i present you with the “Hot catholic Priests” 2005 calender.

You know, for all of you who, you know, like to get your…umm…religion on!

Ewwwwwwwww!!!!! Mental image, mental image.

Seriously though, who would buy this? And what were they thinking when they made that thing? Who is their target market exactly? And what the hell is that “Target market” doing with a calender that has catholic priests as models?

Oh god, another mental image!

Ok, i am no longer thinking about this! That’s just wrong!

The Sandmonkey @ 1:19 pm
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How do you spell Sore Loser ? K.E.R.R.Y.

Posted on Thursday 30 December 2004

OK, and just when i thought Kerry conceded that thing with some dignity, well he goes and does that:

Monday 27 December 2004

This afternoon, an attorney representing the Kerry/Edwards presidential campaign filed two important motions to preserve and augment evidence of alleged election fraud in the November election.

The purpose of the motions is twofold: A) To preserve all ballots and voting machines pertaining to the Yost matter for investigation and analysis; and B) To make available for sworn deposition testimony a technician for Triad Systems, the company that produced and maintained many of the voting machines used in the Ohio election. The technician has been accused of tampering with the recount process in Hocking County, Ohio, though other counties are believed to have also been involved. Any officers of Triad Systems who have information pertaining to said tampering are likewise subject to subpoena for sworn deposition testimony.

Ohh, a technician’s testimony. I smell me a conspiracy. I smell me a BUSH Conspiracy. I am having Florida 2000 flashbacks, and i am starting to see some similarities. In both cases, Bush won. In both cases, the losers were democrats. In both cases, the democratic candidates conceded defeat publicly and then went to court and claimed election fraud anyway. Oh golly, that’s three for three. It’s the same story, I feel like Bill Murray and its freakin groundhog day.

Well, except it isn’t!

You see, Florida, well, you could at least argue there was room for doubt there, u know, with Bush winning the state by about 500 votes and you know, all those old people that voted for Buchanan cause they got “confused”. But this time, ehh, it’s not even that close. It ain’t even close to that close. This time, the recount took only 300 votes off Bush’s six figures margin of victory. The recount shows Bush winning Ohio by 118,457 votes over John Kerry. 118457 votes JFK 2, why are we even having this discussion?

Dude, you lost. Get over it. Seriously. I recognize that about 55 million Americans out there really didn’t want Bush to win, but he did. Fair and square. LET IT GO!

Guys, just focus on those Canadian visa applications. I am sure you can’t blame anyone else if you screw this one up as well.

The Sandmonkey @ 11:48 am
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Killer TV, ehh,TV to die for,err, or something clever like that!

Posted on Thursday 30 December 2004

Hezbollah has a satalite TV station called “Al Manar”, and they are apprently crying foul that the station US service provider decided to unplug it. The station, which has the lovely nickname “The suicide channel”, has a very nice editorial philosophy:”We’re not looking to interview [Ariel] Sharon,” Al-Manar news director Hassan Fadlallah said, “We want to get close to him in order to kill him.”

Wow, and Fox news is biased? Hey, at least the Fox news people don’t actually want Liberals dead (with the exception of Sean Hannity of course)!

And the funny thing is, some people are outraged and calling this censorship! Even though their programming is, well, as Jack Shafer put it, kinda on the “ugly” side:
The station routinely folds anti-Semitic, anti-Israel, anti-American messages into its kid shows, game shows, dramas, and news programs. Propaganda videos set to jihadist songs, which make up about 25 percent of Al-Manar’s programming day, venerate suicide bombers as martyrs; call for the obliteration of Israel and the death of the United States; exhort Palestinians to violently overthrow their racist “oppressors”; and portray Israelis as baby-slaughtering terrorists. An Al-Manar public service message tells families of suicide bombers where to go to collect the “subsidy” from a martyrs’ “foundation.” Another solicits donations to finance the violent liberation of Palestine.

Yes, we should not censor that at all. I can’t wait for their new show line-up. I hear “Who wants to be a martyr?” is gonna be great, and I hear they have a really hardcore version of “Fear Factor”!

And can you just imagine their Reality TV shows?

Sigh…

I give up!

The Sandmonkey @ 5:23 am
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Proof that drunk-kissing will get you in trouble!

Posted on Thursday 30 December 2004

So, apprently in dubai, A drunken Italian tourist has been fined more than $3,000 (£1,566) for hugging and kissing an egyptian woman-Go Egypt- in public.

The woman only had to pay $500 for lewd behaviour in public.

And they say women in arab countries are treated worse then men!

Tsk tsk tsk

The Sandmonkey @ 5:12 am
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The Sandmonkey question

Posted on Thursday 30 December 2004

Someone just left me an anonymous comment wondering if I could tell him what, exactly, is a sandmonkey.

Hmm, A truly excellent fantastic question. let me explain…

A Sandmonkey is the same thing as a Towelhead, arabiac, A-Rab, Rag, sandnegro, cameljockey, Turbanhead, dune coon, raghead(Thanks MaGdee) and-my own personal favorite- a Hasn’t-Been-Laiden.

And in case you are still confused by what it means, it’s a derogatory term used to describe middle-easterners. You know, when they are not in the same room with you?

Since i don’t really give a damn what those people think, i figure why not own the name, u know, like how black people owned the “N” word? Made it something positive? It’s the same theory. Maybe one day white people will start calling eachother “Crackaa’s” and beat up anyone who is not white who calls them that. On a second thought, they really should start doing that. I can’t wait till i hear my first “Crackaa Pleeeease”!

But anyway, back to the sandmonkey thing.

I dunno, i kinda like it. I think its cute and funny, and it gives out a really interesting mental image, not to mention it’s really hard to come up with a “clever” name for your blog. And there can only be one pharaoh, you know?

The Sandmonkey @ 4:33 am
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Gimme Gimme Gimme!

Posted on Thursday 30 December 2004

Hmm, it seems that the USA is accused of being Scrooge-like by the UN cause its initial pledge to aid the countries affected by the Tsunami disasters is , gasp, only 35 million dollars. Only!

Those goddamn stingy Americans. They are the world richest nation, they should like, pay more initially. It doesn’t matter that they are having soaring deficits, a shaky economy, helping with the nation building of two countries while paying for all of this from their own pockets. Nor does anyone really care that they have provided the last year 2.4 billion in food and cash and humanitarian relief, which translates into 40% of all the relief aid given in the world in 2004. Just 40% ! Those evil ungrateful imperialists! With their wars to get rid of dictatorships and insistence to hold free democratic elections. Those self-righteous bastards! They are the new Nazis, and Bush is, like, their new Hitler or something. He actually started those wars so that Palestinians will start suicide-bombing Israelis again. I hear he does a a special dance when Jews get killed, likes to skin puppies and personally molests 20 Iraqi prisoners at least once a month.

So..Where was I? Oh yeah, stingy! Bad bad America. They should’ve saved up just in case an 8.9 Richter Tsunami hit Southeast Asia and tens of thousands of people died. They should’ve seen it coming. After all, the world is their responsibility.

And it doesn’t matter that American scientists actually did try to warn the governments of those countries minutes after they recorded the Tsunami, and that the governments were slow to respond. It’s still their fault. They should be committed for the long haul and provide long-term relief. Wait, they actually are doing that? Well, it’s the least they could do. This was, after all, Mother Earth’s objection to Bush’s re-election. If more people had voted for Kerry, this probably would not have happened. And if it did, Kerry would have acted, u know, eventually!

Sigh…

Look people, All jokes aside, this shit is serious. If you feel as bad as I do about this, here is a link that lists all the way you can personally donate to help those people.

And please remember, there is no such thing as “stingy” aid!

The Sandmonkey @ 3:51 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
Mommy, lets hide under the bed, Iraq may be going to hell in a handbasket!

Posted on Thursday 30 December 2004

Ok, i am sorry, but i am kinda sick and tired of hearing about how Iraq is spiralling towards a civil war between the different ethnic groups. How the Sunnis and the Shia’s and the Kurds are all gonna start killing eachother, and that all the bombings and insurgency are evidence of that. I have been hearing that for like 2 years now. I heard it first when Ayotallah El Sistani created all those demonstrations by the Shia’s and nothing happend. I heard it when Muqtada El Sadr “bravely” stood up to the american troops by hiding in Aly’s shrine- a Shiite holy site- at Sadr City and having his Mujahedeen hold other iraqis hostage for him so the troops would think twice before launching a full attack on him. And now we are hearing it again, according to this analysis by the Middle East Times.

And i still don’t buy it!

Sorry, but it just won’t happen, at least not anytime soon. Not as long as there are american soldiers there. The common iraqi may not lose much sleep over american soldiers getting killed- even though they should- but he/she would never stand for a civil war. Not to mention, who is gonna do the fighting? Is it gonna be the Sunnis vs. The kurds? The Shia vs. The Sunnis? Everyone against eachother in a free-for-all? Who is gonna lead this suppsoed civil war? And, how exactly, will it take place while there are still US troops there?

The insurgancy may make lots of noise and lots of explosions and steal headlines, but for the most part those are independent cells and they are not a in any way a true representation of any majority of the iraqi population. It’s not like they have popular support in iraq really;They kill their fair share of iraqi civillians with their bombs as well. People who may hate americans may support the insurgants in a fight against the US troops, but the enemy of my enemy is not necessarily my friend once my enemy is gone.

I, for one, will hold any predictions or harbingers or prophecies of impending doom until after the January elections take place.Let’s see who wins first and what their agenda is going to be and how the Iraqis will take it. Sure, its not gonna be pretty from now til then, but lets hope for the best anyway.

The Sandmonkey @ 3:20 am
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They are having a book out too!

Posted on Monday 27 December 2004

Posted by Hello

Hehehehe

The Sandmonkey @ 5:46 am
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And Arab 9/11 conspiracy theorists of the world rejoice!

Posted on Monday 27 December 2004

Oh god, where do I begin with that one?

Ok for like 2 years now, every pilot friend of my father ( he knows a lot of them) has been swearing up and down on every holy book there is that flight 93- of the “Let’s roll” fame- was shot down by the US military instead of being willingly crashed by its heroic passengers, as the official story goes. Well, apparently the worldnetdaily news has a new article out supporting the “U.S. shot down flight 93″ theory based on a slip of tongue by Rumsfeld during his surprise Christmas eve visit to the troops in IRAQ. I dunno about you, but that slip of tongue- in its context- doesn’t seem remotely close to anything resembling conclusive or sufficient evidence of that conspiracy. But who cares anyway, we all know it was the JEWS who were responsible for 9/11 anyway, right?

Sigh….

The Sandmonkey @ 4:51 am
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And you thought you were angry about the US elections?

Posted on Monday 27 December 2004

This is one pissed off blue-stater!

The Sandmonkey @ 4:22 am
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So, does anyone know how this one ended?

Posted on Monday 27 December 2004

Ok, so if you are egyptian and you havn’t heard a version of the Waffa Constantine story, well, you have been literally hiding in your cave. Relations between the muslim and christian communities in egypt have been lukewarm at best the past 30 years, no thanks to the islmaic fundemnatist groups and common egyptians jelousy at the success of several christian businessmen a la Ramy lakah and Sawiris. What’s amazing though is still till today no one knows what really happend or how this story ended. The Middle East Times has an article that claims to be authentic and may help shed some truth on what happend, but until today no one knows what the real story is. Did waffa convert to islam by her own will or was she forced to? Did she do it out of conviction or just to get out of her mariage ( coptics can’t divorce) like it was rumored?Which side do you really believe here and should it really have become such a big deal? I dunno!

If you don’t know the story and wants some feedback on what the hell i am talking about, Big Pharoh here has the skinny for ya!

The Sandmonkey @ 3:48 am
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Futile

Posted on Monday 27 December 2004

Some people say that this is a healthy sign that democratic reforms are on their way, altough anyone who lives around here knows for certain that this is all bullshit. Sure, they protested, sure they weren’t stopped or beaten or anything like that, but its absolutly useless. Mubarak and his ilk are not going anywhere and gamal is looking more and more like a not-such-a-bad-option if you compare him to the horrible state of afairs that we might face if the islmaic brotherhood wins in a truly democratic elections. In a country with a 55% illiteracy rate, the majority of the people will vote for whomever the Imam of the local mosque will tell them to vote for ( and it’s not going to be anyone remotely pro US or the west in case you are wondering). Just saying!

The Sandmonkey @ 3:36 am
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Star Wars Holiday special

Posted on Monday 27 December 2004

Okay, for all of you people who actually love the original star wars ( like myself) and hated the new stuff despite the better F/X and the Yoda lightsaber fight sequence ( also like myself), well, this is here to remind you that the suckiness did start a long long time ago, in a glalaxy not this far away. Yes, it is parts of the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special. You have been warned!

The Sandmonkey @ 3:29 am
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gay pneguins

Posted on Monday 27 December 2004

Ok, this is just funny!

The Sandmonkey @ 3:26 am
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My first entry

Posted on Thursday 23 December 2004

So, how do I start this blog?

I guess by telling all y'all a lil something about me.

I was born and raised and lived most of my life in Egypt, which makes me a sandmonkey for the most part. I have spent the past 5 years of my life in Boston, Massachusetts, where I got my undergraduate degree in Finance/MIS and my MBA and MSA , yet I still rely on spellcheck to get the name of that damn state right and I only lose my "R's" when I am really drunk for some reason. Or is Retahded a better way to put it? Hmmm

I am the son of a retired Businessman that the socialist nature of the country almost brought him to bankruptcy and my Mother is a University professor and a big shot politician among other things. I have only been back to Egypt for a couple of months and I am still suffering from the reverse culture shock that everyone kept telling me about. I knew adjusting back would be somewhat difficult, but I apparently forgot how dysfunctional everything in the egyptain society really is.

Now, what would make me so special that you would take the time to check my rantings out? Well, hmm, I am cute? I am occasionally funny? I do promise to give you people a daily dose of snark? Not enough?

Well if you really want a reason, there are the obvious ones: I offer you a view that very few people can give you: The view of a politically-connected, young, well-off, only slightly sociopathic, egyptian political junkie on everything from egyptian & middleeast politics to well, anything that captures my fancy. I promise you that you won't be bored. Maybe slightly disturbed, but never bored.

As for the less obvious reasons, well, there is the fact that I am Pro US. I actually support the current Bush middle-east policies not because they re so smart, but because they are putting the fear of god in unelected Arab dictators who got too comfortable in their seats of power and never really give a damn about their people, democracy or any kind of reforms. I am not big on his domestic U.S. policies since I am a free-market libertarian and I am kinda disturbed by his handling of the economy, the deficit, government expansion or the gay marriage thing.

But that's it for now, cause I am actually doing this instead of doing work and I am not sure the Bossman will appreciate me slacking over here.

Oh well….

The Sandmonkey @ 4:46 am
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