Stuff you should read

On a break

Posted on Saturday 30 April 2005

Be Back Sunday!

The Sandmonkey @ 7:13 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
Private Post : To Her

Posted on Friday 29 April 2005

Since we agreed to let the road between us
Fall to disuse,
And bricked our gates up, planted trees to screen us,
And turned all time’s eroding agents loose,
Silence, and space, and strangers – our neglect
Has not had much effect.

Leaves drift unswept, perhaps; grass creeps unmown;
No other change.
So clear it stands, so little overgrown,
Walking that way tonight would not seem strange,
And still would be followed.
A little longer, And time would be the stronger,

Drafting a world where no such road will run
From you to me;
To watch that world come up like a cold sun,
Rewarding others, is my liberty.

Not to prevent it is my will’s fulfillment.
Willing it, my ailment.

Goodbye !


The Sandmonkey @ 7:08 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
Setting the record straight

Posted on Thursday 28 April 2005

I just want to set a couple of things straight: I am not taking every opportunity to criticize Islam, nor am I an Islamophobe (and yes, I am aware that exists, thank you very much, so stop forwarding its link to me). I am just pointing out the issues that I think deserve to be debated in our Islamic culture and I welcome anyone’s opinion who can actually give me an argument or show me where I am wrong. And no, “Cause God said so” doesn’t cut it!

And yes, I will continue pointing to the things that I believe to be wrong in the Islamic ideology and not point to the positive stuff. My goal is to neither defame nor defend, but rather to fix. To reform. To clean up the mess that those clerics -who do nothing but encourage their followers to accept instead of think and analyze- put the majority of the Muslim world in. Despite Popular belief and logic, pointing to the good stuff doesn’t make the bad stuff go away, nor does it excuse it. Fix the bad stuff, then point all you like to the good stuff, ok?

I know it may sound completely arrogant; I know that I may not be the best candidate or advocate for Islamic reform; and I know that I don’t have all the answers nor will I be able to change the whole world. But I am fed up with the way things are and I am willing to give it shot. I am willing to talk about it. I am willing to point at the things that we all know are wrong and say “That ain’t right!” I may not know all the solutions but I can identify the problems and that’s a place to start from. I may not be able to change the world but I will be pretty damn stoked if I can get 10 people to change their minds or at least open them to other possibilities and think things over. You know?

Stop repeating that Islam is a word that comes from peace, and that the only problem Islam has is the misconceptions of the ignorant west. You know it’s not true. Islam means submission, and while the west has its wrong misconceptions about it, it still has its share of problems, whether in the sharia, the people practicing it or in the Islamic culture as it is known today. It’s time to stop pointing fingers, stop making excuses, or point to other religions and cultures and say “They do it too!” or “Look at the problems they are having, is that any better?” The fact that there are other people doing wrong things doesn’t excuse the wrong things you do. Sorry, but that’s just the way it is. Break Time is over people. We have serious problems and we need serious people to solve them in the Islamic world. And yes, I am talking to you!

Offer arguments, propose solutions, join the debate, and help out, or shut the fuck up. There are enough dickheads out there making the Islamic people look bad as it is, they don’t need your help defending them. Ok? And if you do defend them, take a cold hard look to what exactly you are defending first. You are not defending Islam or Muslims, you are defending those who have made a possible terrorist suspect in the whole world out of you. They are not doing you any favors, so stop defending them and stop condoning them. They are the ones- not the west, not the Jews, and not the Christians-who are giving you and your religion a bad name. Put the blame where it belongs!

It’s time to clean the house people…

Who is with me?

The Sandmonkey @ 7:55 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
“I am willing to do anything, and i mean anything, for cheaper oil!”

Posted on Wednesday 27 April 2005

Ehhhhh…… Posted by Hello

(Hattip Mo)

The length this man will go for his people. Talk about a mandate!


Go and check out this awesome cartoon; kinda encompasses the situation nicely! (Hattip the always excellent Stefania)

The Sandmonkey @ 2:56 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
Real Fairytale

Posted on Wednesday 27 April 2005

In my humble opinion, this is how we should tell fairytales to girls. (Hattip Brenda)

The Sandmonkey @ 2:48 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
On the same page…

Posted on Wednesday 27 April 2005

In case you didn’t read it, go check out Nadz take on an article that defines the role women are supposed to have in Islam. Needless to say, she rips the writer a new one!

The Sandmonkey @ 2:01 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
Rape is not up for debate!

Posted on Tuesday 26 April 2005

Okay, this just pisses me off:

A Muslim sheik told followers at a public meeting in Bankstown that women who were raped had incited men’s lust by dressing immodestly and only had themselves to blame.

Sydney-born Sheik Faiz Mohamad, 34, a former boxer who teaches at the Global Islamic Youth Centre in Liverpool, made the comments during a lecture for more than 1000 people at Bankstown Town Hall.

The Sun-Herald has a recording of the March 18 speech in which Sheik Faiz said: “A victim of rape every minute somewhere in the world. Why? No one to blame but herself. She displayed her beauty to the entire world . . .

“Strapless, backless, sleeveless, nothing but satanic skirts, slit skirts, translucent blouses, miniskirts, tight jeans: all this to tease man and appeal to his carnal nature.”

He compared a woman dressed in such a way to a sheep. “Would you put this sheep that you adore in the middle of hungry wolves? No . . . It would be devoured. It’s the same situation here. You’re putting this precious girl in front of lustful, satanic eyes of hungry wolves. What is the consequence? Catastrophic devastation, sexual harassment, perversion, promiscuity.”

Ok, can we just say this one more time please: WHAT THE WOMEN WEARS OR DOESN’T WEAR IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR RAPE! I don’t care if she walks naked in the street, it doesn’t freakin matter, that still doesn’t give anyone an excuse or an invite to raping her. CAPICE?

This drives me nuts, because it’s not just this crazy bastard in Australia, its a view held by many many people and i am ashamed to say many many egyptians. Even the women. The women will blame the girl who get raped for getting raped, for “walking alone at night dressed this way”, even if dressed this way is nothing but an unveiled girl wearing tight pants. It is not the man’s fault at all, men are animals, they can’t help it. BULLSHIT!

This is my greatest beef with Islam and Muslims (including friends, co-wrokers and members of my own family), when it really comes down to it: the belief that men and women are nothing but animals or pieces of flesh; that women have to cover themselves cause they might entice men to sin or rape them and that men should not be punished or held accountable for not having any self-control. “I couldn’t help it, the way she was dressed made me rape her” shouldnt even be contemplated as an excuse. I am sorry, just ain’t happening.

And while we are at it, leaving a man and a woman in a room together doesn’t mean that they will automatically have sex. I know it’s a hard concept to grasp, but women won’t just spread their legs to the first man who manages to get in a room with her; and neither will men automatically sleep with any woman that they are left alone in a room with. Take my word for it, it doesn’t work like that! We are not cats and dogs people and there are things called attraction, self-respect, and that really strange concept called self-restraint. You may not have heard of it before, but it does exist, and it is not another tool for the evil west to corrupt our islamic morals and faith.

And while we are at it, if you are really a good muslim and really have faith, then it doesn’t matter what the woman is wearing, you shouldn’t be sleeping with her in the first place, RIGHT? Remember that whole thing where if you even look at a woman lustfully you are committing Zennah ( fornication)? You do? Good, practice it. The next time you see a woman dressed provocativly, how about you just look away? You are a muslim, you have faith and you are a believer in god; how is it that the godless western heathens manage to hang out at nude beaches and NOT rape the women, while you consider that the way a woman is dressed on the street is an excuse to rape her? Aren’t you the moral highground guy? Aren’t you the one following god’s true religion? Yes? Good, then FUCKIN FOLLOW IT!


Oh, those freakin hypocrites; they make me so so mad.Take deep breaths! Ok, i am calmer now.

I propose that we take every man who rapes a woman and cut off his dick and then lump him together with the men who say that women are responsible and at fault for getting raped and send them all to an OZ like US priosn where they are to become official prison Bitches and have them get sodomized at least 4 times daily without condoms for a period that is a minimum of 5 years and a maximum of 25 years. We should then release the pictures of the sodomy acts and their video testimonials all over the world and see what those rapist apologists will have to say then about how excusable rape is. Ohh, and if any of them gets HIV for getting raped up the ass by any chance, we will just tell them that they shouldn’t have dressed as sexy as they did in Prison. After all, rape is the victim’s fault!

The Sandmonkey @ 5:58 am
Filed under: Islam andJihady Fucks andReasoning andReligion andRetardedness
Dictators of the world Unite!

Posted on Tuesday 26 April 2005

I am convinced that no one reads the state-owned Egyptian newspapers the same way that i do. I am. What i notice is never what other people notice, and that’s probably because i don’t think most people really read it the way it is supposed to be read: a mouthpiece for Mubarak. And the worst, the absolute worst of them all is Al Ahram.

Like I remember 2 weeks ago reading those 2 front page news articles, one stating that the change of constitution to allow people to run in presidential elections will include a clause that will prohibit anyone who has any sort of foreign funding ( even from Egyptian abroad) from running. The other was one about the Union of journalists staging a protest against “Foreign intervention”. They seem unrelated, but they are not, especially when you have Ayman Nour being the official challenger- and US favored- in the next election, and you know that he also happens to be a journalist. I remember going to my cousin who works as one of the top managers in another leading state-run newspaper and showed it to him and was like : “Tell me those 2 articles are not related!” and he just laughed and told me “You know they are. It’s official policy now man!”

But the thing that riled me up was Yesterday’s newspaper and its FrontPage. One third of it was dedicated to the series of televised Mubarak “candid” interviews called “A word for History” that are conducted by Emad Adib and directed by Sherif Arafah (Egypt’s versions of Larry King and Michael Bay) and broadcasted on Egyptian television, and the satellite broadcasted Arabic speaking Nile news channel and English speaking Nile TV( all also state owned and operated). Among the “news” and “revelations” included in the interview are that 1) Mubarak never received handouts and accomplished everything by himself, which is what thought him responsibility; 2) He doesn’t mind the opposition and never gets mad at someone who disagrees with him and 3) He is the one who rebuilt the Egyptian air force that of course was the #1 reason for our “glorious victory” in the Yom Kippur war. The election campaign is in full effect people.

But the interesting thing, and the connection, and the point behind this whole article, is the news article underneath that interview, and that’s the interview that Ibrahim Nafea, the editor in chief, had with Russian President Vladimir Putin. What’s the 36 font bold quote that makes the headline? “ Egypt is operating on the correct political model, and any foreign pressure in the name of Democracy should be opposed and rejected!” Nice, huh? An Egyptian reader will read this and think: “Even the President of Russia sees the American Zionist conspiracy in the name of spreading democracy; I am not the only one who thinks this way!” and will ignore the fact that Putin has been more or less operating as a dictator in Russia and has been warned publicly by Condi to not seek an illegal third term as President.

Now tell me that those 2 articles are not connected!

The Sandmonkey @ 5:18 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
Oh London

Posted on Monday 25 April 2005

With london’s elections looming soon, a group of muslims set out to particpate in the political process, by declaring that any muslim who votes is an apostate. Satire is officially dead!

The extreme Islamist group accused of threatening George Galloway and hijacking a meeting of moderate Muslims is planning to step up its direct action campaign to stop fellow believers from participating in the election.

The Guardian can reveal that the gang of youths who stormed two election meetings this week are members of al-Ghuraaba, an offshoot of the now disbanded radical organisation al-Muhajiroun.

The group’s east London campaign is being run by Abdul Mueed, a student, who promised yesterday that al-Ghuraaba would continue to disrupt events and target candidates to get across its message to Muslims that they will go to hell if they vote on May 5.

“It is not the lifestyle of a Muslim to vote, and it is not from Islam,” Mr Mueed, 22, said last night. “George Galloway and Oona King and the heads of all the political parties are fighting Muslims, they hate the lifestyle of the Taliban and the Muslims living in Iraq, that’s why they are willing to carpet bomb them all.”

Don’t you just love it when a 22 year old student- who probably just learned how to tie his own shoes last year- makes such statements about muslims and Islam?

Ohh, and you wanna know what happens if you vote, according to Mullah Mueed?

The leaflet says voting for a political party is a “major apostasy and will take you outside the fold of Islam … It will also nullify all your good deeds … and guarantee your seat in Hellfire forever!”

Sweeet! Now it all makes sense. Arabs and muslims are living in dictatorships because voting would make us all apostates. Those despotic arab leaders care about us after all, well, in the after-life anyway! Awwww…

You know something though, that democracy is haram stuff, i know i heard it somewhere before. I just can’t remember who said it. Rats!

The Sandmonkey @ 7:35 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
Lebanon updates

Posted on Monday 25 April 2005

It has been a while since i mentioned the development of the next democracy success story in the middle east: Lebanon! You better get down with the cedar reveloution baby, or get the hell out of its way. Just saying!

Well, for starters, the 6 commanders of the lebanese security services alongside State Prosecutor Adnan Addoum are getting removed. The new Secretery of Interior just stated that its a forgone conclusion that their heads will roll. About damn time!

They may have killed Rafik Harriri, but as they say in Egypt “He who has children never dies”, and that man has 3 sons, and Saad Hariri, the middle son, has been unanimously chosen by the family to take up his father’s political mantle. Take that Bisho!

Omara Karami says he has been double crossed. Cry me a freakin river will ya?

Syria’s final withdrawell just got wrapped up and Bush asserts that Syria must get out, Hizballah must disarm, and to drum up global monetary assisstance for Lebanon to get up on its feet. I am guessing the US is gonna get really popular in Lebanon for future generations. Let’s hope that everything stays stable and Lebanon returns once again to being the Paris of the middle-east.


The Sandmonkey @ 7:14 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
The APU revisited

Posted on Sunday 24 April 2005

Ok, I saw this article today and I immediately thought that it qualified as a perfect example of rule # 3 from the 7 rules of the Arab Parallel Universe (A.P.U.): If there is any credit at all that can be contributed to Arabs in any way, they will take it. Here is the money shot:

Years of armed struggle by militants, and not negotiation, prompted Israel to decide to withdraw from the Gaza Strip, a top member of the Islamist group Hamas said in a rare interview published on April 14.

Mahmoud Zahar, the Hamas leader in its Gaza Strip stronghold, also said that his movement hoped to win its first legislative elections when it stands against Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas’ moderate Fatah movement in July.

“Very simply, nobody can deny that if Israel is going to leave the Gaza Strip and part of the West Bank, that was because of the intifada, because of the armed struggle, because of the big sacrifices of Hamas for this goal,” Zahar, 60, told The Times of London newspaper, speaking at a secret location in Gaza. “It was not because of negotiations, or the goodwill of Israel, or the Americans or Europeans,” he said.

Ok never mind that Sharon has been declaring his “unilateral plan” to pull out from Gaza for the past 2 years while the Palestinians were protesting against it; Never mind that the Israelis made Hamas their bitches and not only killed their spiritual leader Ahemd Yassin- with a freakin missile mind you-but also killed the other 2 leaders that came after him within a week; Never mind that Hamas is so scared that they won’t announce in public the name of their new leader. Never mind all that. Ignore it, we all know that logic is a Jewish Zionistic tool of propaganda anyway. The truth is, apparently, that Hamas are the ones who are kicking Israel out of Gaza and “no one can deny” that!

Gotta love the A.P.U. !

The Sandmonkey @ 4:40 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
Papa Ratzi

Posted on Sunday 24 April 2005

It is now official: Joseph “Papa Ratzi” Ratzinger is now officially Pope Benedict XVI.

This won’t probably go well with those concerned that the Pope might actually be- gasp- a conservative christian. Amongst those people,Tonecluster reports, a guitarist and his girlfriend who think the new Pope is a Neocon and wanted to petition the church not to “ratify the pope“. Apparently what they want to do is , and i quote: “Oh, well, then we need to pressure these guys to put someone more liberal in there.. someone who’s not a tool for the neocons.”

God bless the stupid, for they make me laugh!

The Sandmonkey @ 4:09 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
Diplomacy a la Powell

Posted on Sunday 24 April 2005

Colin Powell apparently isn’t happy with his exit of the political arena on the hand of W. and he is going for a little revenge: He is influencing 2 wavering republican senators to vote against confirming Botlon.

President Bush on Thursday issued a strong new defense of John R. Bolton, his nominee as ambassador to the United Nations. But associates of Colin L. Powell, the former secretary of state, said he had expressed reservations about Mr. Bolton in conversations with at least two wavering Republican senators.

The associates said Mr. Powell, in private telephone conversations, had made clear his concerns about Mr. Bolton on several fronts, including his harsh treatment of subordinates.

The accounts of Mr. Powell’s private messages about Mr. Bolton suggested a new gulf between the former secretary of state and Mr. Bush. In a speech in Washington on Thursday, Mr. Bush portrayed Democratic opposition to Mr. Bolton as politically driven, and urged the Senate to confirm the nomination.

The fact that some people still listen to Colin Powell blows my mind. The man has no credibility left, both on the left and the right. Not to mention, he sucked at his job : Condi achieved in the past few months more then he was able to do for 4 full years. You know why? She tells it like it is, and he is more the “diplomatic” type.

Which is why he doesn’t like Bolton, another tells it like it is guy. This man is being berrated and might not get confirmed for calling Kim Jong II a “tyrannical dictator” and life in North Korea a “hellish nightmare”, which for the record is true. Amazingly no one of those attacking him raised a single objection when North Korea called him a “Bloodsucker” and “Human scum”. Guess that’s the diplomatic term for someone who tells the truth these days!

The Sandmonkey @ 3:42 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
The Sandmonkey Airport Incident

Posted on Saturday 23 April 2005

Hmm, I think it is time for me to write to you about my “Airport incident” as I promised. After all you guys came back today specifically to hear it, and I am not a tease. The story shall be told after all. This is by the way a true story, which is what makes it so good. So now, without further ado, and because I can’t possibly stall you guys any longer, here is the infamous Sandmonkey Logan Airport story. Are you ready? You sure? Positive? Ok, ok, fine! I will tell it now. Jeeez, you guys are pushy!

It all started about 4 weeks after 9/11. I had just got back to the states to resume my classes not a week before. I was in Egypt when 9/11 happened and I couldn’t get back to the States for more then 2 weeks after. The Airports were closed and all that. Remember those fun days, when you couldn’t stop watching CNN or Fox news and there were American flags everywhere? You know the days when patriotism in America was the fad of the moment and you couldn’t buy or own enough Flags or United We Stand carstickers? Ehh, anyway….

My dad’s best friend, whom we shall call Mohamed, needed me to do him a favor when I was in Boston. His sister was suffering from cancer, and for a good part of 2001 she was at the Dana Farber Institute in Boston getting treated. After 6 months of treatment and more then 200, 000 dollars spent ( Not having medical insurance in the US sucks) the doctors declared that it was hopeless for her anyway. They informed her that she has a maximum of a week to 10 days to live, and that she needs to go back to Egypt ASAP.

Now, the way we normally travel is by taking the Egypt Air flight from Cairo to New York(JFK airport), and then either take a plane ( LaGuardia airport) or a train ride from New York to Boston and vice versa. The doctors at Dana Farber said that that was impossible, and that she is in such a weak state that she can’t take train rides or switching airports. They then proceeded to reserve her a first class plane ticket on the next Lufthansa flight flying from Logan Airport in Boston, to arrive in Germany, and there she would board the next plane to Egypt. One Airport, no hassles, end of story. “That’s what’s best for the patient” they were told, and they naturally obliged, despite already having bought her a first class ticket on Egypt Air. Now, all they needed was for someone to take her to the airport and make sure she gets on the plane. And that’s where my part comes in.

You see, being an Egyptian in the States is a responsibility similar to being an ambassador. You are like the servant of anyone who wants something from Egypt. Whatever they ask of you, ranging from checking airplane tickets to getting them “Horny goat weed” from the GNC store( don’t ask), you have to do it. So when I got the phone call from my dad, telling me that it is my duty to take her to the airport since I am “their man in the USA”, I knew I couldn’t say no. Not to mention, I really liked my Dad’s best friend, he is like my Uncle and he did give me the keys to his rented apartment on the 17th floor in a posh building overlooking the Boston Commons for the whole summer. I had to do this!

Now, this was supposed to be a fairly straightforward transaction: The Hospital was supposed to take her to the Airport, I receive her, take her to the Lufthansa first class booth, where they will get her an EMS dude who will push her wheelchair around and get her on the plane. End of story. 15 minutes tops and I am out of there, while giving those in Egypt the impression that I actually did them a huge favor. It was beautiful in its simplicity. What could possibly go wrong?

( When am I ever gonna learn not to say that sentence?)
Upon my arrival to Logan, you could see the post-911 decoration everywhere: American flags, National guardsmen holding M16 or what have you, and big huge signs everywhere that inform me that I can not pass through the security checkpoints without having both a valid ID and a boarding pass. I suddenly remembered that I didn’t bring my ID with me, but I quickly tossed the thought aside because I knew I didn’t really need it. I wasn’t even gonna come close to the security checkpoint, so why should I worry?

Anyway, so my Uncle’s sister-whom we shall call “the lady”- finally arrives on a wheelchair. The hospital people give me her 2 pieces of luggage, and give her her handbag and a bag filled with her medicines ( very important they said) that they hang on the side of her wheelchair. I thank them and they leave, and then I take her luggage and her to the Lufthansa First class service desk, where I chat with the receptionist in German while we get her bags checked. After she gets her boarding pass and everything, I then proceed to ask him for an EMS guy to escort her to her gate, since I am not flying with her. That’s when he informs me that they actually have ran out of EMS people, and that there are 3 other patients on the same plane that she is taking that already took the 3 EMS personnel that they had available.

( Sheisse)
So I ask him what are we supposed to do then, since I am not flying with her and I can’t cross the gate since I will need an ID and a boarding pass as the sign behind me says, and both of which I don’t have at the moment. He informs me that it’s not a problem, and that he has a solution: I will take her to the first class lounge and will be admitted inside with her, and 10 minutes before the first class people board, they will inform me so that I take her to the security gate personnel upstairs, whom he will inform of the situation and they will in turn make an exception just this once and let me pass and take her to the gate.

I asked him “Are you sure this won’t be a problem?”

He looked me straight in the eye and said :” No problem at all. Everything will go smoothly.” And then reassuringly added with a smile: “Trust me!”

(Oh god, when am I gonna learn not to trust people who say that?)
And I, having no choice, did trust him. Why would he lie to me about something like that, I figured? He will tell them at the gate, they are reasonable people, and everything will go smoothly. What’s the worst that can happen?
Ohh, how naive i was!
To be continued in the next post.
The Sandmonkey @ 6:17 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
The Sandmonkey Airport Incident part 2

Posted on Saturday 23 April 2005

This is the second part of my airport story. Check out the first part here!

So anyway, I trusted the guy at the Lufthansa counter and decided to take his advice. He gave me an invite to the Lufthansa first class lounge (Sweet) so that I can go inside with the lady. I figured I will just have to wait with her for a while, make myself a Bloody Mary or two, and then proceed to take her to her gates and wave her goodbye. Sure it sucked to wait for another hour, but it wasn’t like I was waiting with the rest of the coach class cretins ( for once). I was in the first class lounge, chilling on a leather seat couch, with all kinds of munchies and drinks to satisfy any gluttonous desire I may have. This wasn’t bad at all.

Anyway, an hour came and passed and finally a nice stewardess came to inform me that it is time to take the lady upstairs cause they will start boarding first class passengers in 10 minutes. So I take her out of the lounge and push her wheelchair into the elevator and we get out in front of the security checkpoint and ahead of everybody else.

Now, let me explain to you how the security checkpoints functioned back then, cause they have changed since. You had two kinds of people standing at the checkpoint: Those in military uniforms (Guardsmen) and those in suits (regular airport security people). The guardsmen greet you, check your papers, and see that you do have a valid ID and a boarding pass, and if you do they let you pass on to the suits, who are standing next to the two metal detectors and whose job is to search you. Once you are searched and found to be “clean”, you are allowed to pass through and on to your gate. I was thinking that the security people at Logan airport were probably extremely on edge, since two of the airplanes hijacked on 9/11 came from there. In my mind I was cursing the fact that it had to be this airport of all airports and that I had a goatee on my face ( middle-eastern men with facial hair = suspect) because I was too lazy to shave the rest of my facial hair the other day. Oh well, too late to worry about it now I thought to myself. Let’s get this over with.

(The time to hesitate is through)

So I go up to the guardsman and I give him her passport, her ticket and her boarding pass, which he inspects for a second and then asks me the 4 word question that I dreaded the most :” Where are you papers?”

I immediately start mumbling, and telling him the story, and how the Lufthansa person told me that since they were out of EMS people that I can push her through and that he said that will inform you guys and how he even said trust me. The young guardsman listens, then gives me back the lady’s papers and tells me to wait a minute till he asks his boss ( a young attractive blond woman also in military uniform with a big weapon…HOT!) if she knows anything about what I am talking about. He then leaves me standing there and crosses behind the checkpoint and starts talking to her, both giving me their backs. Behind me the line started getting long and since we are the first in line no one else was getting through and people were giving us looks and the lady- who didn’t speak or understand English- asked me what the hold up was and I told her not to worry and that I have everything under control.

Two minutes- which seemed like an eternity- passed and the guardsman and the woman were still talking, and the people behind us started getting restless, because they are all first class passengers and goddamn it, they deserve faster service. Sensing the future bitchiness emenating from the line behind us, one of the suits took the initiative and came over and asked us what the story was. I explained it all to him and how I was waiting on the guardsman so I can get her through to the gate. The security guy nods his head understandingly, gives me her papers and tells me to ignore both metal detectors and instead push her through this makeshift door on the right of the metal detectors. I am like “ and we don’t have to worry about getting searched?” and he smiles and says “No worries. We do this all the time for the patients. Go and pass through that door. Trust me!”

( Those two goddamn words again!)

So I followed the directions of the nice man in black suit to the relief of everyone in the line behind me, and I pushed her through the door on the side of the security checkpoints. No one said anything to me, no one was standing at the door, no one was even bother by the fact that I had no ID or boarding pass. I pushed her through the door and I have successfully passed through the two security checkpoints without an ID, boarding pass or getting searched. I laughed in secret about the so called “post 911 strict security procedures” and proceeded to push her away from the area…

….when the explosives smelling dog started barking like a maniac at us!

And then what happens next happens pretty damn quick:

The guardsman that I spoke to 5 minutes ago, turns around, sees me passed all security checkpoints when he knows that I have no boarding pass nor ID and points his rifle at me and yells “FREEEEZE!”

Every single person standing in line- as if a fire broke out- in 2 seconds retreated backwards 30 feet (They saw a middle-eastern male with a goatee pushing a veiled woman on a wheelchair having the explosives dog bark at him and guardsman pointing their weapons, I don’t blame them!) and were now standing next to the escalators…..

Four other guardsman follow the first guardsman suit and point their gun towards our direction……

I immediately raise my hands in the air….

And the lady, who doesn’t understand a word of English, was having a heart attack on her wheelchair….

And the freakin dog will not stop barking and jumping up and down in our direction, held only by another male Suit.

( Ladies and Gentlemen, We have just lost cabin pressure!)
“HOW DID YOU BYPASS THE SECURITY CHECKPOINT?”, the guardsman yells at me as he is approaching me cautiously.

“Ehh” I mumble nervously, “ This guy told me to go through that door”, pointing at the security guy and the unguarded door “,after I told him what I told you!”, I say.

The guardsman is now standing 4 feet away from me, weapon still pointed, the lady is a puddle of sweat, fear and hysteria and I have 4 other guns pointed at me from all direction now, and he asks me in his military Huhwa tone of voice: ” WHAT KIND OF EXPLOSIVES ARE YOU CARRYING?”

“I am not carrying any explosives” I say and I am thinking, OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT..

( His fingers are trembling. He is as scared shitless as I am)

“Those are her medicines man, the lady has cancer and she has a lot of medicines. There are no explosives on either one of us. I swear!” I say frantically, and I add “ See for yourself”. The guy moves cautiously to grab the bag, and my mind is racing : why is the dog barking at the medicine bag? Does she have beef jerky in it or something? But he is an explosives dog, he won’t bark for beef jerky. Why would he barking at her medicines? And then suddenly my mind registers the answer and it all makes sense….
(Oh no. Not that! No, no, no. It can’t be that! That would just be so stupid..)
and suddenly a complete look of boredom and annoyance crosses over my face and replaces the fear and wave my arms in frustration as I yell in my Eureka-but-this-was-so-obvious-and-boring voice :” Nitroglycerin Pills! Freakin Nitroglycerin pills! I can’t fuckin believe this shit!”

And like an infection the boredom look is transferred to everyone in proximity and all the weapons go down amidst the sighs of annoyance and relief. The Guardsman is looking at me with relief in his eyes and I am so annoyed by him at the moment and I start getting pissed off as he opens the half see-through plastic bag and realize that what I am saying is true. I start patting the lady on her back and tell her to relax and that it’s all over and OK. Her hyperventilation stops pretty quickly and it seems that she isn’t gonna get a heart attack and die in Boston after all.

The Guardsman approaches me with the medicines and he says “ You are supposed to report these on your passport! Where is her passport?” and I give to him and he realizes that it is mentioned there after all. He starts looking just a little embarrassed now. I was giving him such an angry look, that if looks could kill he would have to be buried twice.

Trying to save face he yells at me :” Well, you still weren’t supposed to bypass both checkpoints like that without a boarding pass and an ID!” and that’s when I yell back :”How is that my fuckin fault? You guys let me pass through! Don’t yell at me for your shit! And by the way, you almost gave this woman a heart attack. If she had died it would’ve been on your hands. Not to mention, if you people had enough EMS personnel in this airport anyway, WE WOULDN’T BE IN THIS MESS.”

(Payback is a bitch, huh?)
The guy looks at me and then says “ well, still, we can’t let you continue taking her to her gate.” Which I respond to quickly “ Then how is she supposed to get there genius?” and his boss comes in and she says to me “ We will send her to her gate. You don’t have to worry about it. And we are sorry for any inconvenience. Everyone is on edge these days. Surely you understand!”

And I did. I understood perfectly. It still sucked though. Anyway..

So they agreed to take her to the gate and escort her on the plane and I left the airport while giving every other first class passenger standing in the line “what the fuck are you looking at?” glances. I go home and I post the following on my away message:” Just got held at gun point at Logan airport for carrying explosives and I wish I was kidding!”

Within an hour I had like 50 instant messages asking me what the deal is and if I was ok. I proceeded to tell them all the story. Some thought it was funny, some (mostly Arabs) thought it was disturbing that they would treat me-Arab- like that, while others(mostly Americans) thought it was disturbing that I did pass both security checkpoints like that. Sure, I wasn’t guilty, but what if someone who was guilty did the same thing? What if there was no explosives dogs that time? They were worried!

Amongst those people was my good friend Jason, who was a marine reserve who was also studying political science. Later that week they had a guest speaker in one of his classes who has the deputy governor of Massachusetts, who was talking to them about 9/11 and what Massachusetts is doing about terrorist and terrorist threat and security and all that. After he was done he allowed people to ask questions, and Jason raised his hand. When he got called he told him my whole story and then his question was :” well apparently you guys aren’t doing enough, if someone like my friend could do all that and pass both checkpoints without a boarding pass and ID and carrying Nitroglycerin at the same time. What do you guys intend to do about this?”

The deputy governor reportedly told him that he didn’t hear about this incident before, but that he will investigate it immediately and thanked him for informing him of what happened.

3 days later the head of Massport (The agency overseeing Massachusetts air and sea ports) resigned!

The Sandmonkey @ 6:15 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
Do Muslims have self-esteem Issues?

Posted on Saturday 23 April 2005

Did you hear that the Pope converted to Islam before he died?

No, you didn’t? But that’s all over Egypt. It’s the latest rumor of the week. People who support it point to the fact that the Pope had dirt put on his corps ( an Islamic burial tradition) and that he wanted his memoirs burned to hide his secret conversion of course ( why else would he have them burned they would argue), which he showed in his establishing of good relations with the Muslim community and opposition to the Iraq war. The Pope, they would say without a shred of doubt in their voice, died a muslim. And some people actually believed that! Ain’t that some shit?

Ohh and in case you haven’t heard, Bill Gates also declared his conversion to Islam. I got that piece of news in an e-mail. Apparently he announced it at a house-party ( where they didn’t serve alcohol I am certain) and told his “shocked” guests that he amassed all the wealth in the world and bought everything he ever wanted, but only found peace of mind in converting to Islam. The E-mail had a snapshot of a newspaper article, which I am sure isn’t made up or anything. And again, apparently some people believed it. Jesus. H. Christ!

Ok, what is with muslims? I am begining to think that they may have serious self-esteem issues. Why the making up of stories of celebrities and important people converting to Islam? Does it make them feel better to make up lies? Isn’t it freakin enough that there are more then one billion muslims in the world? Do they also have to have celebrities? What is it?

I mean, I am sorry, but you never see the jews bragging about the jewish stars or artists who convert ( Madonna a.k.a. Ester, anyone?). You don’t see them celebrating it! And you don’t see the Christians caring that much when someone who wasn’t suddenly becomes Christian or declares himself born again. I know a lot of Christians and I personally didn’t see anyone excited about the fact that Mase became a reverend or that the guitarist from Korn found Jesus and quit the band. But there isn’t a muslim that I know that doesn’t brag about Mohamed Ali ormention with great pride that Cat Stevens (sorry, Yousef Islam) converting to Islam ; Never mind that Mohamed Ali joined the nation of Islam, which is to Islam what the Mormons are to christianity, and that Cat stevens didn’t have a hit out in 20 years (and that “Father and Son” remake with Ronan Keating doesn’t count you MTV Europe watching smartass bastards). What is it about muslims? Why do they care so much about celebrity endorsements of Islam?

My own theory is that Muslims do have self-esteem issues, and that’s because the majority of Muslim celebrities are, well, let’s just say, not the kind of people you want representing your religious group( Louis Farakhan, Osama Bin Laden, the Taliban, etc..). This is why they love it when a western celebrity converts and will make up stories about it to make themselves feel better. That’s the only explanation that I have for it. Anyone else have a theory?

Ohh, and by the way and for the record, Will Smith did not convert to Islam when he was shooting the Movie Ali, no matter what you may have heard. This is an old one, but still lives to this day. If you really want another western celebrity who did convert, check out Everlast. That guy- in his duet with Carlos Santana “ Turn your lights on” on the “Supernatural” CD- actually inserted a “La elah ella Allah” ( There is no god but Allah) line in the end of the song and almost no one noticed. Everlast, however, isn’t that big or famous or know in the world ( A tragedy, since he was the dude in House of Pain that made the song “Jump around”), so i guess it makes sense that no one is bragging about him. No?

The Sandmonkey @ 4:10 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
I am Baaack!

Posted on Saturday 23 April 2005

Wow, I needed this vacation. 2 days of rest and not watching the news: Does the mind and soul good.

You know, between you and me, if I wasn’t such a political junkie, I wish I would be one of those people who don’t know anything about anything that’s going on in the world. I envy the ignorant, the uninformed and the stupid: They have it EASY! Those lucky bastards!

Oh well!

Ehh, may the blogging commence?

The Sandmonkey @ 4:09 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
To whom it may concern

Posted on Wednesday 20 April 2005

Dear Readers ( Yes! I always wanted to say that.),

I wanted to bring two things to your attention:

1) I have been changing the contents and format of my posts a bit lately, you know, giving my blog more of a personal side and writing more personal posts rather then strictly political ones. I am doing that because: 1) It was getting monotonous and I wanted to shake things up a bit; 2) the current political situation has been depressing me- in case you haven’t noticed- and I don’t want this blog to be depressing, which is what it will be in case I keep blogging non-stop about it; and 3) As many people have pointed out to me over and over again, it may be good for my own sake to tone things down a bit for a while. Since I refuse to do that, cause I think it would be the equivalent of selling out, I figured I could tone it down by reducing the quantity of the political posting instead of the quality. This is a good way of doing that I reckoned, because it will keep you guys entertained on the days I am not feeling overtly political. A compromise so to speak!

2) In case you also haven’t noticed (Jeez. You guys need Ritalin or something?), I have been extra prolific today with my posting, and that’s because I am taking a 2 day break from Blogging. It’s vacation time, and my mind and body could use the rest. So I figured I’ve written enough in this blog this past week to keep you busy and entertained for the time being. So don’t go away; go read them and leave lots and lots of comments. Ok?

I will be back on Saturday and it will be story time: I will tell you of the time that I got held up at gunpoint at Logan Airport 3 weeks after 9/11 for by-passing all the security checkpoints without an ID or boarding pass and for carrying explosives. And no, I am not kidding. I wish I was! This is a true never-told-before story from the history files of the Sandmonkey, and it will be told for the first time here on Saturday! Make sure you don’t miss it!

Love you all,

The Sandmonkey

PS: Happy Moled El Nabawy everybody!

The Sandmonkey @ 9:02 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
The New Pope

Posted on Wednesday 20 April 2005

People seem to be split over the choice of the cardinal conclave to chose cardinal Ratzinger as the newly elected Pope. While some people are relieved that the wait is over, others are concerned that he may not be exactly what the catholic church needs at the moment. Besides the fact that at some point in time he was a member of the Hitler Youth, the New York Times has a list of reasons why his choice may not be a very good one in these modern times. Here is the moneyshot:

“Having seen fascism in action, Ratzinger today believes that the best antidote to political totalitarianism is ecclesiastical totalitarianism,” he wrote. “In other words, he believes the Catholic Church serves the cause of human freedom by restricting freedom in its internal life, thereby remaining clear about what it teaches and believes.”

Totalitarianism, indeed, critics might say.

They cite a long list of theologians Cardinal Ratzinger has chastised for straying from official doctrine; his condemnation of “relativism,” or the belief that other denominations and faiths lead equally to salvation; his denunciation of liberation theology, homosexuality and feminism; his attempt to rein in national bishops conferences; his belief that the Second Vatican Council of the 1960′s, which led to a near-revolutionary modernization of the church, has brought corrosive excesses.

The man is basically a purist to a radical extent, and that seems to be a problem for those demanding that the church refroms. It is no secret that the Catholic church has been losing members over the years because some of their policies are considered, ehh, to be not compatible with modern times (“using condoms is abortion” anyone?) , not to mention the whole covering up the child molestation thing. Even the biggest defenders of the catholic church must’ve cringed when they saw that good ole Cardinal Shaw was given the honor of being one of the 9 main cardinals at the Pope’s funeral. It just didn’t look right! Anyway..

The whole thing doesn’t affect me really since I am not catholic, so whether or not Ratzinger( BTW, does anyone else thinks he looks scary?) will be an extremely conservative pope doesn’t bother me much. I was however interested in the pope selection process because they were mentioning that there is a chance that the new pope may be Black or Hispanic. It made me wonder what the worldwide catholic reaction to a Black pope would be: Would the white Catholics be ok with it? Would it be hailed by Black people as a victory for the black race? Would it piss the Hispanics off? Does it matter at all what color the pope is?

Some people argue that a black pope would help draw more black people to the Catholic Church. I guess they are trying to offset the fact that more and more white people are joining the Baptist church.


The Sandmonkey @ 7:13 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
An Egyptian Anecdote

Posted on Wednesday 20 April 2005

This little anecdote was told to me by my co-worker W. today and i thought i would share it with y’all. Make of it what you please:

After work Yesterday W. had to hail a cab to go home, because his car is currently at the car shop getting fixed. After a couple of unsuccessful attempts to get a cab to stop and take him to El Mohandeseen neighborhood- Egyptian cab drivers are snobbier then NYC cabdrivers if you can imagine such a thing- where he lives, one finally agreed to stop for him. The following is what happened:

W. (opening the cardoor and attempting to get in to sit- car door not shut yet mind you): “El Sallam Alleikom!”

CD: “Why did you close the car door by slamming it?”

W. ( looks at still the open door confused): “Ehh.. The door is still open; I still haven’t even shut it! What are you talking about?”

CD (indignantly): “Well, it seemed like you are the kind who slams other people’s car doors. You seemed like you wanted to slam it. What am I supposed to do, wait till you slam my door?”

W. ( realizing that the man is a litle cooco): “Nope. No one can fault you there! Here ( closes the car door very slowly), is that ok?”

CD (huffily): “That’s ok. It’s just that people coming in and out of my cab keep slamming my door, slam slam slam. It’s messing the door up and it is gonna cost me money to fix it. And the country’s economic condition sucks. No one has money! What am I supposed to do? Wait till you people break it I have to fix it? Huh?”

W. (sinking in his chair and cursing the day his a/c broke down): “Ooookk!”

After an undisclosed period of uncomfortable silence, the Cab driver starts to yell again…

CD (in anger): “Ohh, that’s great. That’s just terrific!”

W. ( kinda bored): “What is it now? What’s wrong?”

CD (still angry): “Look at the road, it’s empty. There is very little traffic!”

W. (confused): “and that’s a bad thing because..???”

CD (annoyed and irritated): “Cause it probably means that Habib El Aadly ( Minister of Interior, the big police and security Honcho) is going to pass by soon. If the streets are empty here it’s because they are emptying it for him. Those Goddamn police bastards. May god have mercy on us and take ( i.e. kill) them!”

W. stays silent and doesn’t say a thing!

CD: “Anyway. So, where exactly do you want to get off?”

W.: “You know Habib El Aadly’s house?”

CD (bitterly): “Of Course! Who doesn’t know where his highness resides?”

W. (very matter-of-fact-ly): “Right there!”

CD (now looking a little worried and nervous): “Well, I hope you didn’t get me wrong about him! Besides what those people who work under him do to please him, He is a great man and a great minister of interior. ( he starts talking a little faster now) The man provides us all with great security and safety. I wish all the ministers were like Habib El Aadly. A man of great integrity and honor. And all the people love him. Especially me! I really really love that man and I wish that he never ever gets replaced!”

W. stays silent and only nods his head. Within a minute the cab had stopped next to the El Aadly residence and W. got out and proceeded to give the man the fare, when the man started refusing to take it.

CD (in a slightly loud voice): “No way sir. There is no way I am taking this cab fare from you. You are a great man and you honored me by riding in my cab. It’s not everyday that I get a customer like yourself. This time it’s on me.( His tone suddenly turns desperate) I can’t take your money. I just want you to know that I love Mr. Habib, and I love President Mubarak, may he keep on living. May them both lead long prosperous life. I have 3 kids and I need to raise them. They have no one in this world to take care of them but me. ( He then goes back to being slightly loud) And this is a great country and we live in the best ages of democracy and prosperity. Long Live Egypt and long live Mubarak!”

And then the cab driver drives off quickly without taking his fare, and before W. gets the chance to tell him that he lives in the building on the opposite side of El Aaadly residence.

The Sandmonkey @ 5:18 am
Filed under: Uncategorized